The third blog.
Wow - what a phone call. I just got off the phone with the girl and... what can I say, I feel like the biggest dink in the world. How can anyone make someone feel like complete shit and feel good about it - I don't think it's possible.
It's so difficult right now to keep perspective. I'm on really shaky ground, rethinking and going over things in my head, over and over. I'm not used to this kind of feeling. Like I'm purposefully telling myself to be cold. I don't want to be, but it seems like the only way to make things as easy as possible. Wadding into the grey seems like a really slippery slope., but it's hard to look down into the pit and see someone at the bottom, wading in the white while you stand on the black, looking back up, wanting nothing more for me to materialize in the milk with them...
That takes a level of self control I wasn't sure I had. Now though, I question whether or not it's doing irreparable harm to my own emotions. Will I see this as easy now? Will it start to become reflex? Or is it already impulse? thank god I know and believe that impulse can be trained. I have to get back into that - I'm getting rusty. I'm relying on reflexes that are not reliable - they are unpredictable, or rather, are too predictable.
I need to find a way exact some change, and I need it soon. This week I'll start looking. Maybe Karate, or a class, or just a gym membership will help. I should just go for a bike ride. But I have too much work to do. too much work to do. That seems to be a mantra, that I am growing to dislike more and more.
It's time for some changes. That's that.
It's so difficult right now to keep perspective. I'm on really shaky ground, rethinking and going over things in my head, over and over. I'm not used to this kind of feeling. Like I'm purposefully telling myself to be cold. I don't want to be, but it seems like the only way to make things as easy as possible. Wadding into the grey seems like a really slippery slope., but it's hard to look down into the pit and see someone at the bottom, wading in the white while you stand on the black, looking back up, wanting nothing more for me to materialize in the milk with them...
That takes a level of self control I wasn't sure I had. Now though, I question whether or not it's doing irreparable harm to my own emotions. Will I see this as easy now? Will it start to become reflex? Or is it already impulse? thank god I know and believe that impulse can be trained. I have to get back into that - I'm getting rusty. I'm relying on reflexes that are not reliable - they are unpredictable, or rather, are too predictable.
I need to find a way exact some change, and I need it soon. This week I'll start looking. Maybe Karate, or a class, or just a gym membership will help. I should just go for a bike ride. But I have too much work to do. too much work to do. That seems to be a mantra, that I am growing to dislike more and more.
It's time for some changes. That's that.
posted by Mike Fly at 8:41 AM
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